Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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