Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
