So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
