2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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