My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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