My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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