I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
