dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I understand Curling. That high.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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