u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
