i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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