I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
