in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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