Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
