god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
