Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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