3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
