I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
