I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
