you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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