I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
