I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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