I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
