FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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