He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm always down for nudity.
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