Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
