You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
