On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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