I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
