I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
