Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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