My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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