K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
