The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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