Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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