Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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