i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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