What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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