i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
