she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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