As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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