cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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