my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
