I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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