the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
