I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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