Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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