Betty ford says i'm here all night
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
