What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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