life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
