Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
